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| So in I go, slowly, comfortably dissolute, headfirst into a cesspool of invisible promises and tasty illusions. Closet-holes demonize my outer appearance, wrapped in tissue paper filled beyond a clutching hand. grasp, and breathe, screaming beyond the devil's ultimate fiesta, whispers of heightened orgasmic violence seep into the cracks of membranes. covered in nuances of flesh, I drink you until I taste nothing, but the sweet burden of temporaryism. crucify me into a single point, an existence of space dripped in vacuous adjectives that drill happy, tiny, pores into my mind. with a single point. Singularity amongst the few who choose to participate in a perihelion of magnitudinal proportions. Sleep. awake. This is the life you wish to lead but you cannot as life will creep into you until you bleed nothing but pain. Death winks at me, a strutting harlot amongst these idiotic masses of wandering divisions, closest to the eternal depth of purity. existence is a pocketbook. keeping track of nothing but all that i've lost. whisper. wisps of lengthy conversations become a teardrop alongside the cross, blood rings truth as fears are freed. the skies open into heaven and light beams into eyes. the cries of angels spearhead fate as the armageddon approaches, nothing shall be spared. but this is not the end, the beginning is the beginning. and then i take a breath of fresh air.
a cleansing breath,
a soothing kiss,
the rain comes down in sparks,
the skies sprinkle light,
i'll wait until the shivers of thunder disappear,
i'll wait until lightning shatters the darkness,
because,
it is...
love. shot. down. die. i'll bury you.
God.;what theafuck>i &! Can;t BelieVe iT??oMG i tTHInkI'm In LOVE WIth U!!!!
end.
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| "Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
To all my friends: Thank you for all that you have done. People who have been there for me are all that really matter.
To everyone: I want to apologize for all my terrible actions and to all whom I have wronged. I just hope you can forgive me because that is all I need.
I know that I have never been the greatest person. I have never been there for many of you... why should you reciprocate the feeling? I want to just let you know that I am sorry... please forgive me. God will guide me to see the light...
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:
Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.
-Psalm 23: 1-6
I do not fear the worst, but I fear that I may not do my best...
Pray for me friends... | | |
| This is about as pathetic one can get. I don't know how to pray because no one ever showed me the hope beyond the clouds. I don't know how to cry because no one ever comforted me when the storms cleared beneath my eyes. I don't know how to smile because no one ever showed me that rainbow in the skies. I don't know how to love because no one ever stood with me to just... bask in this worldly glory... to just enjoy being. So I put my pity on paper, corroded and burnt with the ashes of self-realization. Pathetic or not, the pain is unbearable. And I don't care if everyone in the world knows... Show me the clouds, the clearing storms, the rainbows, and heaven itself... then maybe I will care about your judgment.
Disillusionment fills my daily void of non-happiness. I am chasing after a girl I cannot have. She is everything and nothing... between alpha and omega lies this realm of chaotic confusion. I am trying to make friends who don't really care about me. They have more important concerns, such as attending parties, getting chicks, and maintaining their perfect hair. I am drinking and smoking to avoid this infinite pain that is satiated by a beast enshrouded in the form of illusion. What does alcohol/weed do, but silence cries that go unheard? I am trying to make something of myself, but I don't succeed in my endeavors. Everytime I tell myself that I am going to be a Biomedical/Electrical Engineer, I keep realizing that I am a fraud... I cannot do this. I cannot do this...
It’s easier,
To run,
Replacing this pain with something numb...
It’s so much easier,
To go,
Than face all this pain here all alone...
Just washing it aside,
All of the helplessness inside,
Pretending I don’t feel misplaced,
Is so much simpler than change...
I am a phony. This is who I am. Crushed between ego and mind, thoughts become maddening self-prophecies. I have to come learn that life itself is unattainable because no one truly lives unless we transcend the physicality of life. Even bacteria can live, but what makes humanity so eternally different is the ability to transcend simple existence... it is not so difficult. I looked in a rainbow today and saw my tears paint the dirty skies a hopeful blue.
I was listening to this song by the INCREDIBLE rap artist Talib Kweli (if you don't own quality, then you don't know quality rap. If I could put Kweli on a list of greatest rap artists, he would be like, very up there) and in this song, there are these lyrics that just made me... stop.
"Get By" by Talib Kweli
This mornin,
I woke up,
Feelin' brand new,
I jumped up,
Feelin' my highs,
And my lows,
In my soul,
And my goals,
Just to stop smokin,
And stop drinkin,
But I've been thinkin:
I've got my reasons,
Just to get (by), just to get (by),
Just to get (by), just to get (by)...
I guess it sort of enlightened me like nothing else... I felt the incredible melding of powerful, syncopated beats, slightly tragic piano filled with urgent melodies, and beautiful poetic wisdom. It was amazing... Seriously.
I have this remix with B.I.G, 50 cent, and Eminem and guess what? It is off the HEEZY! Fa' shizzle... damn. G-Unit is tite and the hot barz keep bumpin'. And of course, we got Slim keepin' it on real wit' some hot shit...
fuck yeah!
So like, 30 motherfuckin' days till home. That's a whole month. Gah.
Guess who's hot? That's right, you guessed it:
Meech Branch!
She's also a musician, and a pretty good one at that. Much better than BABY V.O.X. who just SUCKS ASS. And Kan Mi Yeun, who is in the other entry, is NASTY (actually, not). Wait, here's another picture:
As for DDR, I realized that it was a waste of time. And thank GOD, I love to waste time.
Goodbye, Meech.
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| Another entry from the guy on the left. He sucks.
Songs in the Mind:
H.O.T: my girl and git it up!
Baby V.O.X: missing you
nelly: pimp juice
dj tiesto: in my memory
josh groban: everything on his album
mos def: do it now feat. busta rhymes
bjork: joga
Alright, if my last name was music, my first name would be ECLECTIC. Seriously, who else, but Mr. Brandon Fukuda would not only listen to k-pop, hip-hop, trance, neo-opera, and BJORK, but also have them on his MIND equally? I just decided to start listening to some k-pop after an enjoying an especially good side dish of KIM CHEE! Nah, just kidding, but here's a picture of Baby V.O.X.
Guess which one is my favorite? If you're thinkin', "hey, they're all asians, who cares? all look same, hyuk" then you are almost correct. I would say the one with the chubby cheeks is pretty cute. :)
Her name is Kan Mi Yeun. She's pretty H.O.T. haha.
So other than fantasizing about shpocking korean pop stars, what else did I do today? Not much, sad to say. I took all my exams, but did SHITTY. I'm hoping for at least B's in all of them, although I probably got an A in Physics at least. Just gotta finish my Writing 140 essay (which was due TODAY, wtf) and a fucking RESEARCH paper due on tuesday. Okay, this k-pop is pissing me off. Time to bust out the Mike Shinodaness of Linkin Park.
Now that I've got some time (about three weeks) to actually NOT do work... I want to get some of this done (in no particular order):
1. get drunk ahahahahahahahahaha (i'm not joking)
2. pass maxx unlimited (still haven't done it because I SUCK), play DDR Extreme, and possibly, pass The Legend of Max (which if you don't know, requires Xstasy to cause seizures so you can move your feet that fast)
3. learn how to say "your elephant is burninating my bamboo book" in Japanese
4. if i could do ANYTHING breakdancing-wise, i would be hella happy
5. clean my room (not)
6. masturbate more often (ahahahahahahahahaha) ((i'm not joking))
7. play tennis with a racquet
8. hopefully, pass my belt test so i'll be a yellow belt in tae kwon do and then i can shpock kan mi yeun, who is here:
Yahhhhh, you like dat.
idioth.
37 days till Hawaii. I can hardly contain my excitement. I spilled some of it on my table, d'oh.
Tomorrow, I might actually do something instead of just NOTHING. Oh yeah, I did one thing. I tried to do a back kick of the wall and I landed on my ASS! Man, that was hilarious.
I suddenly have a craving for some Bi Bim Bap...  | | |
| Update, g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-unit!!!
fuck.
Songs on the Head:
50 cent - patiently waiting (feat. eminem)
disturbed - liberate
(hed) p.e. - blackout
good charlotte - the anthem
red hot chili peppers - can't stop
john mayer - everything on room for squares
blackalicious - everything on blazing arrow
Yeah, I got pretty tired of Linkin Park's album. I think I've either exhausted it out completely, or it just isn't very good. Faint and Nobody's Listening are pretty cool, but nothing will ever match the power of Papercut on Hybrid Theory. RHCP is only there cause I really like that song and I was trying to play that cool Frusciante riff "dah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah..." you know. Took me about thirty minutes... I really need an electric guitar. I like Fenders, but whatever plays is fine by me. Oh yeah, I heard Blackout from (hed) p.e's new album of the same name. It's pretty good... (hed) is probably the heaviest thing I could listen to without crossing over into real metal. I'm not really a metal guy... maybe Rob Zombie and Manson... that's the most hardcore I'd ever get. But Cannibal Corpse and stuff like that... too fucked up for me.
There are literally 43 days between me and Hawaii. Damn, it's still far... hella far. Of course, that's the exact same thing I thought 43 days before I went home for SB... I guess the future is all relative. Time is relative. We really have no existence, but past events. My head hurts.
Note: From past entry, I was supposed to start my work. I did NOTHING. Shit.
There was this frat party. Boredom made me go. It was good fun. I got drunk. I puked. That's about it.
Sum 41 is playing at Pipeline Cafe! On May 5th! And guess who's going? If you guessed me, you'd be wrong! I'll be the guy taking the physics 151 final! Yay!
fuck.
I'm getting pretty good at DDR. Not like I ever was that bad, but I really want to head to Little Tokyo so I can practice DDR Extreme. Cartoon Heroes is pretty tough... I think I can pass it though. I did max combo Irresistablement on my first try... both 9 feet, but, well... not quite the same.
let's not mention paranoia survivor or the legend of max... yikes.
beatmania... blah... one day I'll beat V on light-7 with auto-scratch. then, i can actually consider myself a beatmania player.
pop n music is really fun. i want to play it more, but i haven't seen too many in cali. when i get back, i'll get that shit in.
and of course, mambo a go-go (happy jen!) that game is fun... but only if i'm playing with jennifer... hee hee
drummania is fun... but probably the hardest bemani game out there... well... except for keyboard mania...
Played some tennis on Saturday. I suck ass. Does anyone want to play with me? Does anyone read this?
Let's see... Calculus III midterm, History midterm, Physics 151 midterm, Writing 140 essay, AND a history project due next tuesday. waaaaaaaaaauuuugghhhhhhhh...
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